either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
