I seem to have left my pride at pride
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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