They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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