also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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