For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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