with your own penis?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
