cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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