So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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