I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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