It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
