Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
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After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
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Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize