Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
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Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
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I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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