I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
