im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
