I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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