he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
