I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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