my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
