Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
