In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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