My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i now understand why vodka
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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