a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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