Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
