I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
