i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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