I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
