We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
