yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
