On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
