Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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