Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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