So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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