My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
