just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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