If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
