if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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