This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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