i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
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Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
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Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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