I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
