Don't make out with my wife yet
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
