I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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