Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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