so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
