now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
