i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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