omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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