this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The uberlube is also flammable
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
