Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
