dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
