Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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