i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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