I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
