So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dicks are not precious.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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