Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
