He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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