can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
